If it wants to storm, become the storm

My resume looks full of fun jobs. But the truth is, most of it was not fun. It was agonizing, stressful, brutal. The stuff on my theatre resume was more fun... but even that, not entirely.

Well, right now, my life is fun. It feels like a shimmer. No one thing is the river; the river flows unseen under it all. It's all particles in the mist. They are the right particles, and there's enough space between them for me to breathe.

It's the resonance between stuff that's nourishing.
- fun projects
- hard work environment
- good pay
- deep housemate, deeply connected
- clean and shining house
- nature everywhere; an explosion of forest and stream
- a fun/hard/good friendship growing
- therapy
- life-coaching
- foreclosure in process of being averted
- bills getting paid
- rooms getting cleaned
- connections & support being restored, extended
- an explosion of blogs and expression
- good food
- starting to move
- a gym membership
- health care
- taking theatre-consciousness into the world

What it really is, is integration. My selves are merging. I can see the mandala in reality and the reality in the mandala. I can feel the strength & fragility when I switch modes, and I always know which mode I'm in.

I am taking what I know in the rehearsal room and starting to apply it in life.

It's alignment. I am finally me, authentically, everywhere I go. There are still variations... but there is not abandonment. I no longer jettison my needs as the first step of simplifying the problem-space. Not that one actually can; and not that that simplifies it either; it just moves the key part of the problem out of consciousness, and thus leaks it all over the rest of the space.

My life is becoming just right for me.

I am also -- this comes straight from rehearsal -- not fighting or denying the organicity of growth. Yesterday was a black rebellious day. Only because I let that day be as savage and bad as it was, can today to sparkle. "I want to eat bad food!" myself said fiercely. "Okay," I said. "We will eat bad food. What do you want? How much?" I ate it all. Potato chips. AND cream cheese with salsa. AND chocolate-chip-cookie dough.

The first thing I noticed is, it felt great to authentically eat -- to have all parts of me saying "Yes." And I noticed, when the rebellious part got joined by the full-force strength & support of the rest of me, it a) didn't need that much food, and b) then revealed what else it needed, which was house-shakingly loud metal music, dancing/leaping/rolling, declaiming Shakespeare, chanting long improvisatory poetry, followed by more Shakespeare, then an early bedtime and FINALLY enough sleep.

And let us, ciphers to this great accompt,
On your imaginary forces work.

Suppose within the girdle of these walls
Are now confined two mighty monarchies,
Whose high upreared and abutting fronts
The perilous narrow ocean parts asunder:
Piece out our imperfections with your thoughts;
Into a thousand parts divide on man,
And make imaginary puissance;

Think when we talk of horses, that you see them
Printing their proud hoofs i' the receiving earth;
For 'tis your thoughts that now must deck our kings,
Carry them here and there; jumping o'er times,
Turning the accomplishment of many years
Into an hour-glass: for the which supply,
Admit me Chorus to this history;
Who prologue-like your humble patience pray,
Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play.

-- Shakespeare, Henry V, Prologue

For sun on rain, you have to have the rain. If it wants to storm, become the storm.